Why I Became a Sex & Intimacy Coach

When I tell people what I do I either get red faces and crickets, a perplexed “I didn’t even know that existed as a profession, tell me more”,  or an enthusiast, “Wow that’s so cool, and it’s such important work!”. 

And usually once I’ve shared a little more, the next question is: “So how did you get into this line of work?

Since I get this question so often, I wanted to address it here on my blog!

Reason 1: Relationships have been my major learning path in life

I believe we all have a major learning path. For some it's money, for others it's health, for others it’s something else. 

For me it’s relationships. As the old adage goes: We teach what we need to learn.

I’ve struggled in love for most of my life. As a people pleaser, I found it really hard to bring my authentic self – my true feelings, needs, boundaries and desires – into my relationships. I was being the version of me I thought others would be most comfortable with, and accept as easy to love. I learned this tactic at a young age as a way to get love and approval, and it worked really well! But as an adult it didn’t get me the intimacy, support and lasting love I deeply desired. 

In 2018 I went through a really hard break-up with a man I thought was perfect for me (which of course does not exist). It was the punch in the gut that I needed to wake up to many of my blindspots: Like how I wasn’t telling the truth about what I wanted, always deferring to my partner; or how I wasn’t sharing my feelings and needs until eventually it would all be too much to handle and I would explode; and many more.

I enrolled in online courses, hired a relationship coach, and began my sexual healing journey. And after two years of deep inner work, getting clear on what I needed emotionally and sexually in a partner, dating lots of men, and setting boundaries that felt really foreign and uncomfortable at first, I met my love. 

All the while I had been receiving intuitive nudges that I was meant to guide others on this  healing, life-changing journey of erotic and emotional empowerment, too. But it wasn’t until I felt safe and supported in my relationship that I had the confidence to begin the shift from a 10 year career in corporate wellness as a health coach and yoga teacher to sex and intimacy coaching.

In 2021 I enrolled in the Somatica® Institute and after 2 years of training I earned my certification as a Sex and Relationship Coach. I pinch myself every day that I get to help dozens of individuals and couples create deeper intimacy and a hotter sex life.

Reason 2: I've struggled to stay in my body

I’ve been dissociating from my body since I was born. Dissociation is the primary protective mechanism we develop/use when we don’t feel safe in our body, and whether that lack of safety is perceived or real does not matter.

When I talk about dissociation here I’m not referring to dissociative personality disorders that require professional treatment. Rather, I’m referring to the types of dissociation we all do as humans, varying only by degree.

Mild, common forms of dissociation include zoning out when someone is talking to you, falling asleep during meditation or breathwork, or getting lost in a book or movie. Dissociation can feel numb, empty, floaty, blank and even euphoric. It’s the feeling of being detached from or out of your body, or losing touch with the world around you. 

Many people are dissociated from their body and emotions. This shows up a lot in my sex and intimacy work with clients as a difficulty feeling sensations associated with emotions or specific body parts (like the genitals for example) – some describe it as a numb, blank or disconnected feeling. Or a tendency to pop out of a feeling and analyze it (go into the intellect) rather than staying in the feeling.

As mentioned above, dissociation is a trauma-response, and like flight or flight, is something we do under stress. Dissociation is a form of freezing. For example, sometimes when I’m triggered my body feels almost paralyzed and numb, like I can’t get up off the couch or say what I want to say.

Dissociation is a great strategy for enduring hard things, and even being productive and achieving a lot (when we’re dissociated from our body and feelings, we can push through exhaustion, until eventually our body forces us to stop by getting sick), but it’s not a great strategy for intimacy – we can’t feel connection when we’re dissociated.

The opposite of dissociation is embodiment, or being totally in our felt, human experience. In order to do this we need to develop a sense that our body is a safe home base by connecting with it. And we need to practice staying in and moving through hard feelings – both our own and others’ (which is what true empathy is). 

I didn’t realize it at the time, but for the past 15 years my intuition and life have been guiding me toward many healing modalities to create this safe home base in myself – including yoga, meditation, breathwork, multidimensional healing, somatics and healing through intimacy.

Again, there is no better way to master something than to teach it. And it’s hard to teach something that we ourselves have not had to learn.

Helping other’s live a more emotionally and erotically embodied and connected life has been so rewarding, and it continues to help me strengthen my felt connection to my body, emotions and others.

Reason 3. I love sex (obviously)

But sex hasn't always been a place of empowerment for me. I let my boundaries be crossed a lot during sex: Having sex before I was ready and enduring sex acts that were uncomfortable or painful without saying anything. I still remember that empty feeling I would get after sex that didn’t feel intimate.

Deepening the way I understand and relate to myself sexually has been one of the most tender and empowering journeys of my life. Focusing on sexual healing was never really about better sex: It was about finding my voice and learning how to say, “no, not like that, like this”; It was about discovering the feelings (core desires) that are medicine to my core wounds and creating a sex life and relationship that gives me those feelings regularly; It was about loving and accepting myself.

I love that my job is super pleasure focused. Being able to guide others on this empowering and healing journey is such a gift. Orgasms aside, I beam when I get to witness the joy and self-esteem my clients get from sexual connection and sexual confidence. 

Healing through hot sex is possible, and so much fun!

Reason 4. The wellness and self-help industries are too individualistic and achievement-focused

I was inundated in these industries for so long and I eventually saw their flaws. Health and personal growth will always be core values of mine. I’ll always eat healthy, value meditative time alone, and exercise a few times a week. And I’ll pop in a self-improvement podcast from time to time (although far less than I used to – now it’s all true crime, free birth stories, and erotica lol).

But it turns out that wellness is not solely an inside job, and there is so much more to quality of life than self-care and accomplishing our goals. The quality of our relationships and, for many of us, our sex life directly impacts our mental, emotional and physical health.

I’m not saying that taking care of ourselves and feeling accomplished isn’t important, it is. But that alone isn’t enough. We also need touch and hugs, playful connection and true intimacy to flourish. Feeling and expressing our emotions and asking for what we need and desire is as important as eating a healthy diet, and it makes life so much better.

As someone who worked in the wellness industry for 10 years, I saw a gap and I wanted to be able to serve my clients in a deeper, more pleasure-focused way. I wanted to have more tools to help people reduce shame, love themselves, feel worthy of pleasure, and connect more deeply with themselves and others (an essential skill that is being lost in this tech-driven world).  

About the Author: Allie Andrews, Sex & Intimacy Coach

Whether it’s through boutique coaching, intimate groups, transformational workshops or writing, Allie helps individuals and couples have better sex and feel happier and more secure in themselves and their relationships.

Allie is a Somatica® Certified Sex and Relationship Coach, Certified Yoga Teacher and Certified Holistic Health Coach with her Masters in Education. Learn more >>