I’ve been interested in sex and my pleasure since I was young. Intrigued by the warm tingly sensations that would arise when I saw movies or read books that alluded to sex, and masturbating for the first time before I even knew what it was.

But sex hasn’t always been a place of empowerment for me. I lost my virginity at 15 and looking back now I see that I wasn’t ready. I rushed myself because I thought it was what I should do to get my boyfriend at the time to stay with me.

This anxiety and fear of people leaving me would continue to shape how I would navigate the world of sex and romantic relationships until my early 30s.

I remember sexual experiences that were painful, didn’t feel good, or that I didn’t want or wasn’t ready for, but I struggled to speak up. 

And even as sex got better for me and I did experience pleasure, I would continue to have sex with people quickly in hopes it would lead to more. But it often wouldn't, which left me feeling heartbroken, alone, and lost as to how to get the love, connection and security I deeply longed for.

I was trying to be as easy to love as possible by avoiding difficult conversations about my true feelings and pretending like I didn’t need much. And this people pleasing behavior attracted partners who I felt unsafe expressing my feelings and needs with, which perpetuated the cycle of feeling anxious and insecure. 

But suppressing my feelings would catch up to me (as it always does in one way or another); what seemed like out of nowhere I would get so triggered that I would have outbursts (imagine a toddler throwing a tantrum). And afterwards I would feel remorseful and ashamed.

I would often stay in toxic relationships where my emotional needs weren’t being met because I was addicted to the sex — but also thought it was the best I would ever get.

Eventually (after two broken promise rings in one year), I saw that there was a pattern, and the pattern was me — I saw that I was caretaking others and lying about or omitting what I was feeling and needing.

I stopped blaming my partners and parents. I hired a relationship coach and began exploring and designing my own sex and intimacy healing journey — which proved to be one of the most impactful and transformative things I had ever done for myself (and I’ve tried A LOT).