3 Ways to Be an Extraordinary Lover
Do you want to be a better lover? Maybe you’re like me and you love the feeling of confidence and empowerment that comes from giving your love a super sexy experience that is just right for them. Or maybe you’re not quite sure if your partner is enjoying themselves sexually and you want to find ways to up your game. Whatever brings you, I’m glad you’re here.
When it comes to sex and intimacy, most people are learning from experience. And very few people are actually reflecting on the experience and asking or sharing about how it went. When sex is new with someone who we’re attracted to, arousal is effortlessly high and hot sex is easier to come by. But overtime with the same partner our true skills are revealed and what once worked doesn’t quite cut it anymore. We need a few more tools in our toolbox.
Whether you’re dating and having sex with different people or partnered and have been having sex with the same person for years, here are 3 areas to focus on to improve your skills as a lover:
Touch 🫰
Learn how your love likes to be touched:
Do they like feather light touch that creates lots of electricity and anticipation? Do they like sweet, romantic caresses? Do they like to be passionately grabbed, held or pinned down?
Where and how do they like to be touched that feels most pleasurable and arousing for them?
How do they like touch to escalate leading up to and during sex?
Improve the quality of your touch:
Most people aren’t touching with their full presence or intention. They’re moving quickly anticipating the next thing, or distracted thinking about something else entirely.
Great quality touch starts with presence, breath and an embodied connection to your own arousal and desire.
Consent 🗣️
Initiate a consent conversation (even if you’ve been together for 20+ years!):
It could be as simple as asking:
“How do you like/want sex to escalate? Do you want to be asked before moving to the next thing, and checked in with frequently? Or do you want me to escalate as I want to and you can tell me when something isn’t feeling good, or you want something different?”
“Is there anywhere you don’t like to be touched, or want to me to ask before touching you?”
In most sexual interactions, one person is escalating things forward and the other is sort of following along. This is not *always* true of course. Sex can be collaborative in which both/all people are taking turns between escalating and following along. But if you are someone who likes to escalate (or be in a more dominant role sexually), it's important that you are the one to initiate consent conversations. Regardless of the position you prefer (and that turns you on the most) it's great (and really sexy!) to know how you like to give and obtain consent from a partner.
Desires ❤️🔥
Ask about the feelings your love wants to feel from sex:
When your love tells you they like something (or you can tell they do from their body language), ask them why.
For example: “I noticed you almost came when I said: ‘I’m yours to do what you want with.' I’m curious, how did that make you feel?” (Did they feel powerful, accepted, free, dominant, in control, trusted, something else?)
Also, knowing what your own core desires are is super sexy and will give your lover(s) a ton of information about what you like and how to make you feel amazing (which can empower them and make you a ton of fun to play with 😉).
So, which one will you talk to your love about tonight?
Follow along with me on Instagram and join my email list for more tools and tips on being an amazing lover and deepening intimacy in your relationship(s). And for personalized guidance and support to learn these and other important skills, schedule a free discovery call with me.
About the Author: Allie Andrews, Sex & Intimacy Coach
Whether it’s through boutique coaching, intimate groups, transformational workshops or writing, Allie helps individuals and couples have better sex and feel happier and more secure in themselves and their relationships.
Allie is a Somatica® Certified Sex and Relationship Coach, Certified Yoga Teacher and Certified Holistic Health Coach with her Masters in Education. Learn more >>
