Dominance & submission 101
Do you or your lover like to play with dominance and submission? Or maybe you're curious about it, but not sure where to start?
Maybe you have a sense that you want to release control in bed, but sometimes struggle to do so and can't figure out why.
Or maybe you love feeling powerful, in control, or being in service to your partner's pleasure, but you struggle to get them to fully surrender to you.
I was with a client the other day and we were digging into their core desires (these are the top feelings you want to feel from sex). They said they desire a partner who makes them feel protected, prioritized, and like they are safe to let go.
When I asked them if they thought they might like to feel submissive at all, they said: "No, when I think of being submissive, I think of the dominant just doing what they want, and that doesn't feel good for me."
Hence my inspiration for this blog post! This client, like so many, had a BIG misconception of what it means to be dominant in bed.
True dominance is done in service of the submissive. That's right, dominance is an act of service.
As one of my amazing teachers Shelby Delvin says:
"Dominance is not just taking what you want, that's selfish and lazy. A good Dom is thoughtful, generous and understands what their sub wants and doesn’t want. In this way, dominance is a gift, a privilege and a responsibility.”
To do this well, in a way that creates safety and healing rather than harm and resentment, requires lots of communication about consent and boundaries.
Why might someone want to play with Dominance?
These desires often stem from missed or challenging experiences from childhood.
For example, someone who is turned on by dominance may want to feel a sense of control or agency, because as a child they didn't feel this. Maybe they had a parent who was always helicoptering over them, making choices for them, maybe they didn't get to have boundaries or free will.
While another may love being a Dom because when they experience their subs vulnerability, they feel a sense of permission to be more vulnerable themselves. Or simply witnessing and making way for this level of vulnerability is healing for them. Maybe they had a caregiver who was invulnerable, or who teased or punished them for being "weak" when they would exhibit vulnerability.
Of course, these are just a couple of examples, there are many more reasons why dominance is exciting for people.
What do submissives truly crave?
Subs want to be held in undivided attention. They want to release the burden of having to take care of others. They want to take a break from reality.
These desires could stem from a number of different scenarios, such as: feeling like they had to be responsible for a lot as a child, feeling misattuned to or ignored, feeling like they had to work hard to prove their worth (versus feeling that they had inherent value), or being scolded for expressing difficult emotions or pushing back on authority.
Different types of Doms and subs
Doms generally fall into 3 categories: Sadist, Daddy/Mommy, Service Top
The sadist gets turned on from inflicting pain or harm on the sub. This is a great match for a bad sub, but a terrible match for a good sub (see below).
The Daddy/Mommy Dom is loving and nurturing, but also can be punishing and strict.
The Service Top adapts to what the sub wants. They get pleasure out of their partner’s pleasure, or being an amazing lover.
Subs also generally fall into 3 categories: The Good Sub, The Bad Sub, The Brat
The Good Sub wants to be praised and affirmed for how good they are. They may want to feel special, adored, taken care of, safe, like a good girl/boy.
The Bad Sub wants to be punished for how bad they are. They may want to feel naughty, rebellious, dirty, degraded, humiliated, possibly unsafe, like a bad boy/girl.
The Brat wants to be obstinate. They want to push back on authority, but eventually they want the Dom to win, to hold their power and stay centered. The brat wants to feel their Dom stay present with them as they fight, versus abandoning them (this is often their missing experience from childhood).
Do you see yourself or your partner in any of these categories? Do you want to explore your D/s desires and fantasies in more depth with a trained professional? I’d love to support you in having a hotter, and more healing sex life. Book a free consult with me here!
About the Author: Allie Andrews, Sex & Intimacy Coach
Allie helps individuals and couples have better sex and feel happier and more secure in themselves and their relationships.
Allie is a Somatica® Certified Sex and Relationship Coach. Learn more >>
