How to Use Conflict to Deepen Intimacy

Jun 20

“Intimacy in a co-creation that requires a high tolerance for awkwardness, discomfort and the unknown.” — Celeste and Danielle, co-founders of Somatica® Institute

Question for you....Is it resolution or intimacy that you want?

Sometimes resolution or common ground IS what we need, but more often than not it's intimacy that brings us closer to our true self and closer to each other.

If we choose intimacy over resolution in a moment of disagreement or conflict — when we might normally lash out, shut down, fawn (people please) or avoid — our relationships will not only be more resilient, but they will be hot with the passion that only comes when each person feels entitled to be and express themselves authentically.

This requires that we practice seeing our partner intimately, that is for who they really are and how they feel, versus who we want them to be or how we want them to feel.

And often we have to sit in the mess together (or separately) for a while for our nervous systems to settle so that we feel resourced (safe) enough to hear our partner’s truth without feeling threatened by it.

When we stop trying to see each other, and be seen, relationships can start to feel like a prison, where the only thing holding us together is commitment and there is no more intimacy, desire, passion.

And a big reason for this is because we stop getting to know each other. We prioritize fixing, resolution, the laundry, work, the kids, watching TV, over exposing the ever-changing truth of what's splashing beneath the surface.

What if instead of trying to fix what feels broken, find common ground, or avoid disappointing our partner, we practice using conflict or even low desire as an opportunity to let the other see more of us, our feelings, our flaws, our wants and desires, and we choose in these moments, as hard at it is, to see more of them too.

What if intimacy, not resolution, became the goal?

How would your relationships change?

Would they feel more accepting, more connected, more authentic?

Would you feel more free to be and express yourself?

Some pondering questions for you!

xox,

Allie